Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The difference between the North and the South - at last, clearly explained!

This is via one of my grand nieces:

The North has Bloomingdale'sthe South has Dollar General.
The North has Coffee Housesthe South has Waffle Houses.
The North has dating servicesthe South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knivesthe South has Lee Press-on Nails.
The North has double last namesthe South has double first names.
The North has Indy car racesthe South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheatthe South has grits.
The North has green saladsthe South has collard greens.
The North has lobstersthe South has crawfish.
The North has the rust beltthe South has the Bible Belt.
NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... do not buy food at this store.
Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
The first 
Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in big ol' truck or big ol' boy.  Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised that "He needed killin' " is a valid defense here.
If you hear a 
Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way.  These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.
In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.AND REMEMBER
If you do settle in the South and bear children,  don't  think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, jus' 'cause the cat had kittens in the oven, don't mean we're gonna call 'em biscuits.

No comments: