Spew Alert

Ok, still reading and not writing but kski sent me another one to share...it's a bit naughty so think before reading after the first one~

PENSION SEX
  

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
 'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
_____ 

LOUD SEX
 

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,

'I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
He lets out this ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the shrink said, 'that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'
_____
 

QUIET SEX
 

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
During a recent lovemaking session,

'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'
_____
 

CONFOUNDED SEX
 

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from
his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his

manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was
 considered cosmetic.
 

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small,
$6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'
 

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
To talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
 

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.
She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'
_____
 

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
 

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary The husband yelled, 'When you die, I'm getting
You a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'.'
'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.' '
_____
 

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
 

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
_____
 

ELDERLY SEX
  

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found
Her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
Of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
 She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...

He could also fly.'