Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Teaser Tuesdays

teasertuesdays31 Teaser Tuesdays is a weekly bookish meme, hosted by MizB of Should Be Reading. Anyone can play along! Just do the following:

  • Grab your current read
  • Open to a random page
  • Share two (2) “teaser” sentences from somewhere on that page
  • BE CAREFUL NOT TO INCLUDE SPOILERS! (make sure that what you share doesn't give too much away! You don’t want to ruin the book for others!)
  • Share the title & author, too, so that other TT participants can add the book to their TBR Lists if they like your teasers!
My teasers

"She sees ghosts."

"You've never been one for an affair, much less taking liberties with an oddity."

rats, i lost the page number but i can tell you, the book is Leanna Renee Hierber's The Strangely "Beautiful Tale of Miss Percy Parker" (FYI, she is a first time author)

WARNING! DO NOT read the following while drinking

it could cause choking and making a mess! Also, DO NOT read this at work or if you dh is trying to sleep! DO keep tissues close by as tearing may occur! DO NOT read this if you have strained or broken ribs as it may cause futher damage. OK, proceed at your own peril. (a friend sent me this without a warning and I almost died.

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .


I'm pretty sure Jessie
Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

stop the presses

dh got everything finished and ready for the people to come but by the he got bathed and everything, it was about 3 a.m. i woke him up at 8. he was kind of goofy so he called the power company and postponed everything until tomorrow. while i do have power, i think that i shall join him in the land of nod.

i don't have to go to the store

to buy popsicle sticks and containers because i won the yoplait whips giveaway! robyn of robyn's online world, i do thank you. i like your giveaways and your nongiveaways (i like the way your mind bends) and i really like that i won this giveaway!! look at this package and you will see how cool a win this is!

when i saw the posting, i asked dh what he thought, and we didn't think to clearly because we just took popsicle sticks and popped them into the lid. have you seen my problem yet? the bottom is wider than the top. but we did find out that any yogurt of theirs works.

now, i gotta tell you one of the reasons why i am a pretty loyal fan of theirs. next month is breast cancer awareness month. in the last few years, they have supported women by having us save the lids to send in to them as they support us. i lost a sister to that nasty disease so i am a supporter of a good product that supports the work to stop this disease. so next month, you watch for special lids and the instructions of what to do with them and you help them to help us.

poor dh

this is the way it started.

him: the water heat has a leak.

me: can you fix it?

him (a couple of days later): well, i tried every thing i can think of. looks like we need a new water heater.

me: damn it. this will be the 3rd one we have put in since we got the house.

me (after doing some thinking): honey, can you find us an electric green water heater for the same price as a regular one would cost? i looked for one and all i can find are gas ones.

him (later): i found one.

me: then let's get it. how much is the installation going to cost on top of that?

him: nothing. (chest sticks out) i can do it.

(see a happy camper)

UNTIL he has every thing set up for the power to be cut off tomorrow and runs into something we have found with other wiring bits in the house.

me: i told you before and i will tell you again, the guy that wired this house were drunk and on dope and they must have shared it with the inspector or how the hell would it be this way?!?!?

(the was my comment when he told about a problem he found pulling cable and doing whatever else in the attic, only a mess that he said had to be fixed as it wasn't "up to code". now the guy is supposed to come tom...scratch that, today (sometime in the a.m.) to turn off the power. problem, this is a holiday so there is no way to stop him. so dh is trying feverishly to get thing finished up tonight. my thought, we call them at 0800 to say "houston, we have a problem" so come another day. but he wants to be ready for tomorrow, soo...

so far, he has come in twice to have me sterile wounds in his hand, a his head.

i think the next "honey due" should not be one that requires other people going poof and appearing on our doorstep. oscar has been none too happy with him in the attic either...just sits and stares up into the attic until dh come down.

the good news is that we may get a tax credit for it (going green) and it should bring down the utility bills and there will be more space in the utility room.)

at the sound of the gong it will be 0100 (1 a.m.)

oh, did i happen to ever mention we are in texas? and have you figured out that dh is filthy? do you remember that the water heater while installed, has no power yet as the new junction box has to be connected after the power is turned off tomorrow, then dh's work has to be inspected, and then the guy has to come back to turn the power back on? will you pray for a really cool day tomorrow?