Saturday, November 7, 2009

Southern Women

We have not had a good laugh for a while so I submit the following as it was sent to me by my niece, Stacey:

Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know every body's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone with the Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern women know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Spa
The Beauty Salon

Southern women know the three deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

More Southern-isms:

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a "hissie fit" and a "conniption fit", and that you don't "have" them, you "pitch" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc, make up "a mess".

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder".

Only a Southern knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back drekly (directly)."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar: is not a request for the white granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best jester of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece". They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner both knows and understand the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ...and when we're "in line", we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they are related, even if only by marriage.

In the South, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural.

Southerners know "grits" comes from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food, and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk". Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it. We do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

A true Southern knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 mph on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go on your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a does of sausage gravy and call in the morning, bless your heart!

And to those of you are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southerness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'all's front porch that reads "I'm not from the South, but I got here as fast as I could!"

Southern women know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!

Now Shugah, if you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.

6 comments:

Natalie W said...

I love this! Except some parts are cut off on the side.
I know some people that would get a kick out it!

Book Bird Dog said...

Hey, shugah, I learned a lot. Funny, very! and clever!

J. Kaye said...

LOLOL!

J. Kaye said...

Natalie W - Mine didn't cut off on the sides. Could be your browser.

TheEclecticElement said...

That's seriously adorable! I love it :D

Sheila (Bookjourney) said...

That is so good! I have a southern friend and that is pretty accurate! :)