Time to laugh

The following have been sent to me and I thought you might enjoy:

The Old Rancher

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was.

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate us old Guys.

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
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2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
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3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
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4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
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(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
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5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
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6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
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7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
------------------------------
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
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And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn) or make a braai
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Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...
Then you are just an old sour fart!
------------------------------
One for the ladies........
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma ..'

And they say blondes are dumb.
----------------------------
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies,
'I'll miss you...'
---------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
---------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
---------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death...
AMEN
----------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
----------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough
---------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

****

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Book Review: Supreme Courtship (Audio)

Supreme Courtship UNABRIDGED

By Christopher Buckley

Narrated by Anne Heche

Publisher's Summary

President of the United States Donald Vanderdamp is having a hell of a time getting his nominees appointed to the Supreme Court. After one nominee is rejected for insufficiently appreciating To Kill A Mockingbird, the president chooses someone so beloved by voters that the Senate won't have the guts to reject her - Judge Pepper Cartwright, the star of the nation's most popular reality show, Courtroom Six.

Will Pepper, a straight-talking Texan, survive a confirmation battle in the Senate? Will becoming one of the most powerful women in the world ruin her love life? And even if she can make it to the Supreme Court, how will she get along with her eight highly skeptical colleagues, including a floundering Chief Justice who, after legalizing gay marriage, learns that his wife has left him for another woman?

Soon, Pepper finds herself in the middle of a constitutional crisis, a presidential reelection campaign that the president is determined to lose, and oral arguments of a romantic nature. Supreme Courtship is another classic Christopher Buckley comedy about the Washington institutions most deserving of ridicule.

©2008 Christopher Taylor Buckley; (P)2008 Hachette Audio

My thoughts

Anne Heche does a very good job of reading this novel. I do have to warn you that drinking and listening can be hazardous to things and people around you.

Why?

It is called "spew alert"! We have had to back it up several times as we were laughing to hard to hear what she was saying. Oh, maybe you shouldn't drive and listen to this either.

Who would I recommend this audio book to?

People who like satire. People who like to laugh. People who need to laugh. Ok, ok, EVERYBODY SHOULD READ THIS BOOK OR LISTEN TO IT! It's really good.

This is one of my Audio.com choices.

Book Review: True Blue (Audio)

The book was well read by Ron McLarty. There were some odd words and phrases that had dissonance to my ear. These were, I suspect a result of the differences between the written and spoken language, but it was not intrusive.

The characters were interesting and well developed. The plot was complex, interweaving treads from the perspective of several characters, but not confusingly so.

The story starts with in prison with Mason Perry (Mas) having a very bad and scary day...well it was scary to me. A guard who paws. 'Ladies' who are big and threatening mayham after lights out. It's after the nightly lock up. Her door opens. A woman enters. A cop. The chief of cops. Her sister. So begins the fast moving thriller! Hang on tightly. That was just the start!

It's an amazing bookl

Thank you Hauchette who lets me review books with no further expectation other than it be my own honest opinion!

Review: The Thirteenth Tale (Audio)

The Thirteenth Tale: A Novel (Abridged)

by Diane Setterfield, Ruthie Henshall (Narrator), Lynn Redgrave (Narrator)

Publishers Summary:

Settle down to enjoy a rousing good ghost story with Diane Setterfield's debut novel, The Thirteenth Tale. Setterfield has rejuvenated the genre with this closely plotted, clever foray into a world of secrets, confused identities, lies, and half-truths. She never cheats by pulling a rabbit out of a hat; this atmospheric story hangs together perfectly.

There are two heroines here: Vida Winter, a famous author, whose life story is coming to an end, and Margaret Lea, a young, unworldly, bookish girl who is a bookseller in her father's shop. Vida has been confounding her biographers and fans for years by giving everybody a different version of her life, each time swearing it's the truth. Because of a biography that Margaret has written about brothers, Vida chooses Margaret to tell her story, all of it, for the first time. At their initial meeting, the conversation begins:

"You have given nineteen different versions of your life story to journalists in the last two years alone."

She [Vida] shrugged. "It's my profession. I'm a storyteller."

"I am a biographer, I work with facts."

The game is afoot and Margaret must spend some time sorting out whether or not Vida is actually ready to tell the whole truth. There is more here of Margaret discovering than of Vida cooperating wholeheartedly, but that is part of Vida's plan.

Margaret has a story of her own: she was one of conjoined twins and her sister died so that Margaret could live. She feels an otherworldly aura sometimes or a yearning for a part of her that is forever missing. Vida's story involves two wild girls--feral twins (is she one of them?)--who would have been better off being suckled by wolves. Instead, their mother and uncle, involved in things too unsavory to contemplate, combine to neglect them woefully. There's also a governess, a Doctor, a kindly housekeeper, a gardener, and another presence--a very strange presence--which Margaret perceives as a ghost at first. Making obeisance to other great ghost stories, there is a deadly fire, a beautiful old house gone to ruin, and always that presence....

The transformative power of truth informs the lives of both women by story's end, and The Thirteenth Tale is finally and convincingly told. --Valerie Ryan

Abridged: 6 CDs, 7 hours running time.

I agree with Ms Ryan's review completely. It was a fun listen. My biggest objection is with the recording itself. Ms Redgraves has such a strong variation in her voice that to be able to hear when her voice was soft, you had to turn the volume up which made other parts very loud. Both women did great jobs reading the book with its various characters. If the sound editing had been better, Had this book's recording been better, I might have rated it as "amazing". As was, I could only say "I liked it" with such marvelous characters and story line. The other problem was with the abridgement...some of the shifts seemed off balance. If I invest in another copy, it will have to be unabridged whether it be hard copy or audio.

Monday Meyhem

Welcome to Monday Mayhem!

Today's meme- The Top 5 Meme

For each of the prompts, you may answer with an image, a sentence or however you want to.

Simply copy and paste this into a post on your site and answer the prompts.

Be sure to list your a direct link to your post and visit the other participants.

For the Top 5 Meme- simply answer each prompt with your 5 best answers.

1. Turkey Farm- The HSUS says that From Birth to Death: 130 Days

What are the first 5 things that entered your mind?

sorry but...

sandwiches

dinner

lunch 1st month in Germany

gobble gobble gobble

2. Family Gathering

Tips for Surviving Thanksgiving with the Dysfunctional Family

What are the first 5 things that entered your mind?

find a reason not to go

say as little as possible

stay out of the kitchen if it is not yours only after offering to help

move to another country if not another state

drugs?

3. Eat the whole thing?
Tips on not eating everything this holiday season.

What are the first 5 things that entered your mind?

drink lots of water before eating and while eating

eat a little breakfast

when fixing your plate, just put a LITTLE bit of everything you want on the plate (you may be full by the time you finish)

before going for seconds, relax and talk a bit. you may find you don't need 2nds

IT IS NOT A SIN TO LEAVE FOOD ON THE PLATE

4. Do we dare?
Do we care?

What are the first 5 things that entered your mind?

yes we dare, we don't care

one day will not kill you

we dare not, we care

5. Black Friday.
Are you brave enough? Got any tips?

What are the first 5 things that entered your mind?

nonononononnnnnnnn

god i am so glad i am watching this on tv

these people are nuts

how many people will get stomped on

ok, i think those are smiling faces so someone didn't yell "fire"

Sunday Stealing

Please join us on Friday for our brand new meme! Click on this image to check the first week!

Welcome back to Sunday Stealing. Sunday Stealing originated on WTIT: The Blog authored by Bud Weiser. Here we will steal all types of memes from every corner of the blogosphere. Our promise to you is that we will work hard to find the most interesting and intelligent memes. You may have heard of the expression, “honor amongst thieves”. In that age-old tradition, we also have our rules. First, we always credit the blog that we stole it from and we will “fess up” to the blog owner where we stole the meme. We also provide a link to the victim's post. (It's our way of saying "Thanks!") We dosometimes edit the original meme, usually to make itmore relevant to our global players, to challenge our players, sometimes to select that meme's best questions, or simply to make it less repetitive from either this new meme or recently asked questions from a prior featured meme. Let's go!

Today we ripped this memeoff a blogger named Sarah at the blog Lady Mama. She states that Party Mummy (she did not provide a link) insisted she do the meme. But, it was probably stolen there as well. So, of course, that will be as far as we go. Tracing back our theft's thieves might take some time. Link back to us at Sunday Stealing!

Cheers to all us thieves!

Sunday Stealing: The Party Mummy Meme

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. Hulk Hogan

2. Where was your first kiss? This is bad...it was so long ago that I don't remember

3. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? If yes, why? Yes, in the arm for cheating at hide and go seek!

4. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? When? Yes, in hight school when we went to state.

5. What's the first thing you notice about your preferred sex? Eyes and smiles.

6. What really turns you off? People who are mean.

7. What is your biggest mistake? Verbally cutting someone down in retaliation.

8. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? Not physically.

9. Say something totally random about yourself. I love the color of leaves changing during early autumn.

10. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? No (giggling)

11. Do you still watch kiddie movies or TV shows? Sometime.

12. Are you comfortable with your height? Yes, but I gotta tell you, I do love my electric wheels that lift me up to the eye level of many others...eases the crick in my neck.

13. What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you? Just held me and let me cry.

14. When do you know it's love? I am not wise enough to answer that question.

15. What's something that really annoys you? Bugs that fly at and bite you!

Thank you for playing this week on Sunday Stealing!

Saturday 9

Saturday 9: Talking in Your Sleep

1. Has anyone in your life talked in their sleep? yes, i have been told i do...clearly too.

2. What do you like about fall? the color of leaves and figure skating

3. Do you have an addictive personality? yes, and i fight it all the time!

4. Who was the last person to do something extra special for you? my DH...he's a sweetie.

5. Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you? maybe

6. Are you happy with where you are in life? I'm n Texas...where ever could be better? no where but Texas

7. Do you believe that you can change someone? no

8. Have you ever wished you could've had someone but you couldn't? sure, i watched lots of movies as a kid!

9. Would you ever fight someone over your significant other? no. i love him. if he wants someone else, i would cry but i would let him go.

Thanks so much for joining us again at Saturday: 9.

Thursday Thunks

Welcome to the November 19th version of Thursday Thunks!
(which we always seem to post on Wednesday)

Where we make you think a little bit before you blog!

We pick a subject, and your job is to interpret it anyway you want. Write about it on your blog... simple as that. Maybe you can interpret it as a picture - we don't care!
Please only leave a link if you have written a Thursday Thunks post. Please mention us in your post, and link back to the blog here.
Don't forget to go visit the other participants' blogs. Read and comment about all their Thursday Thunks! That's what all this is about after all, isn't it? We'll have so much fun and become lifelong friends....

This week we will answer some

crazy questions brought to you by

Kimber, the color of a clown fish and the number 10595.

1. If you won a brand new house in a Dream House Giveaway would you move into it, sell it to pay the taxes and make a profit, rent it out or give it to a family member/friend who might need it?

i really don't know. if this is my dream house it would be hard to let it go. but if i had to i would donate to a charity or to a family with a disabled member.

2. Are you good at billiards?

no and i don't know the difference between billiards and pool.

3. Does anyone on the planet really want to see Levi Johnston naked in Playgirl (other than when Bristol Palin did)?

probably but as i have the first playgirl with Burt Reynolds, i can tell you they wouldn't see a what they are really looking for.

4. Is your phone ringing right now

no, it's 2 am in the morning!

5. Do you think man has eaten or tried to eat every type of animal on the face of the earth at one point or another? If not, what don't you think man has tried?

probably. yes. now would today's man try to eat a rhinoceros or an elephant...no but the the old ones, sure, it they could catch and kill it, you bet!

6. The new movie Avatar has been showing sneak peeks and been hyped to the max. Will you see it?

no

7. If a slightly bigger fish eats a small fish, then a bigger fish immediately eats that one, then an even bigger fish immediately eats that fish and then finally a huge fish eats the one that just ate that fish and it gets caught by you... how many meals will you have from that one fish?

none....i don't like fish.

8. If you had an appointment with the doctor and all the plants in the office were dead, would you still see the doctor?

yes,, he may be as bad as i am at growing house plants...and his office people may have the same problem. i would suggest he gets rid the them as others may not be as open minded as i.

9. Have you ever seen the number 666 in a dream?

not that i remember.

10. "At 20 years of age the will reigns, at 30 the wit, at 40 the judgment."~ Benjamin Franklin

So what happens at 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100?

damned if i know!

11. Would you want your phone number to be (area code) 123-4567?

why?

SAY IT AIN'T SO!

IT AIN'T SO! Our lovely J Kaye of J Kaye.s Book Blogs is NOT "shutting down"! And if you don't believe me, go here and read it yourselves.

And all of you who don't currently follow her and who love books, get over there and start! It's a family affair with everyone writing reviews. They cover a wide range of books, too. I like their reviews and trust them.